What do I know?

I never realized how little I know until I subbed for 5th/6th grade.

Tell me: what’s a helix?

I mean, I know what a double helix is, right, on account of DNA. But define a single helix for me. I dare you. In terms a 6th grader will understand.

Also, spelling? They are right in the middle of spelling all the words I can’t spell. And I know I can’t spell them on account of the way I failed spelling in 5th and 6th grade and thereabouts. I mean, the school spelling bee? I was out on “pirate.” Because I forgot that “i.”

No, I’m not making that up.

And dividing by fractions? Sheesh. I can barely add fractions. I couldn’t have told you numerator from denominator before I subbed this week.

Also, these kids get to do all sorts of fun projects, like make little cats out of clay. I don’t know why they are doing this, exactly, but I’m horribly jealous. I think I’m going to go out and buy some clay and paint of my own. Also, why didn’t I have teachers who let us make things out of clay? I’d seriously be a better-adjusted person today.

Also-also-ALSO—the other class is making Conestoga wagons and they are going off on their own Oregon trail, presumably through the school hallways or outside or something. We never did that stuff. My grade school class had to play the computer game, which sucked, because I had it at home and could beat it with my eyes closed and was at the point where I was seeing if I could get certain characters to die of certain diseases at particular spots. I had lots of luck with drowning them in the rivers, but not so much with typhoid. The computer never gave me typhoid when I wanted it. Anyway. Playing it at school as well was not cool, because we were expected to actually try to win it and that was boring.

Also, the computer teacher hated me because I could program BASIC better than she could.

But there was the one time we had to stare at a tree stump and pretend we were ants and describe our journey, which was really fun, because my group said “You’re kidding me, right?” and pointed out there was a perfectly nice puddle nearby and our little ant-selves were much more inclined to hollow out twigs for canoes and go fishing. For which we received full marks. We were so cool.

Not as cool as the time my French class was told to make a poster illustrating a quote from Le Petit Prince and most of my class turned in these elaborate creations that took hours to do and I turned in a blank poster-board I bought on my way to school that morning. The things that are important are invisible, yo.

Actually, I wasn’t so much “cool” as I was “hated,” especially since I got full marks. Heh.

But the point is these 5th & 6th graders know way more than I do, because while I can remember rope bridges and canoes, I can’t remember the parts of the brain. Well, not all of them. Wait… maybe I can. I watch enough crime TV, and people are always getting shot in the brain so they can show skull x-rays and talk seriously about sloshing brain matter, which I couldn’t say with a straight face.

Maybe network TV will save me after all. I knew I was addicted to Law & Order for a reason: I’m getting my edjumacation back.

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