Blog .:. January 2006 1 Entries
- All traffic yields to the car spinning out of control, even if it is going in the opposite direction down your lane or through a red light (or both at the same time).
- It is entirely appropriate to turn purple, make rude hand gestures, and yell obscenities when a two-wheel-drive car has trouble moving forward at an intersection. It is their fault for not spending $30,000 on an SUV.
- When the light is yellow, it is your god-given right to drive through it. When the light is red, four more cars are allowed to drive through the intersection (“But, Officer, it was icy; my car couldn’t stop in time”). When the light is green, wait. Four more cars will be going through the other way.
- Neighborhood stop signs are more like yield signs, really. Everyone knows a full stop causes you to lose traction and there is nothing as dangerous as a loss of traction on an icy road.
- Despite the fact that sidewalks are the last thing to be cleared after a major storm and can sometimes be covered under uneven drifts two feet high, you do not have to share the road with anyone dumb enough to be walking around. They should buy an SUV like yours instead.
- If you are stopped at an intersection and the car behind you is clearly sliding on ice, do not under any circumstances move forward to give them a few more feet in which to gain control. If they rear-end you, it will be their fault and you can finally get that dent in your bumper fixed
- When pulling up behind a two-wheel drive car on a steep, icy hill, get as close to its bumper as possible. It’s fabulous fun to watch their eyes go wide when they realize they are going to slide right back into you as soon as they take their foot off the break.
- If your windshield ices over, scrape off only a 1’ diameter circle right in front of you. Your defroster will do the rest of the work, eventually. Anything you can’t see isn’t your problem.
- Carefully smear snow and dirt across your license plates until they are unreadable. Wear a winter cap on your head, sunglasses, dark gloves, and a thick winter coat. Proceed to run as many red lights at intersections as you like. Forget the cameras; they won’t be able to identify you later.
- Make turns at the last minute. Since you are driving an SUV with four-wheel drive, quick stops on ice are a minimal problem. Don’t worry about that little two-wheel-drive car behind you; if it rear ends you, the accident is that driver’s fault.
- If your car begins fishtailing, over-correct it. This will cause your car to swing into the other lane, alarming drivers there. This is a good thing; Alaskan drivers are too complacent in winter and need to be woken up periodically.
- If a car is fishtailing and having difficulty regaining control, honk your horn irritably at it and pass it quickly, using any open lane. If there is an accident, it will be the other driver’s fault for being out of control. (Do not attempt if the driver is actually spinning in circles; see rule #1)
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