Blog .:. November 2007 8 Entries
After another couple weeks off, I rode again tonight.
Perhaps the most surprising part of the lesson was how well I rode. It felt good to be back on the horse, and even better to be effective. Maybe I should take time off more often.
And now for the confession:
For all that I make snide remarks about bling, it’s only fair for me to admit that I own (and use!) a pair of turquoise splint boots. These are, if possible, worse than the sherberty polo wraps I was subjecting horses to last spring, before I found the splint boots in a box of stuff at my mom’s old house.
But what is truly horrifying is the fact that I know that somewhere there is a picture of me and the Super Saint, and the Super Saint is subjected to the splint boots on his front legs, the polo wraps on his back legs, and a red and green Western-style saddle pad. Good thing he had a sense of humor, huh?
In other words, when it comes to making fun of peoples’ fashion choices: hello Kettle, I’m the pot.
Please, someone, explain the appeal of bling to me. I have never understood it.
To be fair, I also don’t understand diamonds. I think they’re cold and ugly. We all better hope that on the off chance I ever end up in a serious relationship and said potential guy ever proposes to me, he doesn’t buy a ring with diamonds on it because there will be a really awkward pause while I think about it. If he’s smart, he’ll use that really awkward pause to go return the ring and buy a horse. And then for anniversaries he can buy me new expensive tack instead of new expensive earrings.
Maybe if I liked diamonds I’d like bling. Do you think?
Nah, probably not. Remember the Bedazzler? Remember how utterly, inevitably laughable it was? I do! Every time I see another rider with yet more cheap sparklies on everything they could attack with a glue gun, I think of the Bedazzler. And laugh.
On the other hand, presumably all this money being sunk into the cubic zirconia market has a purpose. Enough of a purpose that people are now (so I’ve heard) blinging the swagger tabs on their boots. The. Swagger. Tabs. On. Their. Boots. Bedazzle!
I bet people regret that pins on ratcatchers went out of style. Think of all the twinkly opportunities missed!
If you’re wondering what prompted this, it’s the million and one commercials for diamonds that are coming on the TV. E very time I see “a diamond is forever,” all I can think is “how unfortunate.”
It’s ok. I’m resigned to the fact that everyone but me finds diamonds fascinating and I’m prepared to admit that, if you like diamonds in the first place, tasteful bling is probably equally appealing.
On the other hand:
Does anyone know the source of the following quote?—
When God created the horse, he said to the magnificent creature: I have made thee as no other. All the treasures of the earth shall lie between thy eyes. Thou shalt cast thy enemies between thy hooves, but thou shalt carry my friends upon they back. Thy saddle shall be the seat of prayers to me. And thou fly without any wings, and conquer without any sword.
Before you say the Koran, I’ve searched several different online versions and can’t find the the passage. Maybe my search skills are still on the fritz, but then again, maybe someone mis-attributed the quote and the mis-attribution has spread across the internet as it so often does.
If you know definitively that this comes from the Koran, would you let me know which book? Of if you’ve been rolling your eyes for ages at all the mis-attributions because you know this really comes from _________, would you let me know what _________ is?
I still have no news on the Houston front, but I tell you what: I’ve come up with a program to prepare myself just in case:
- Visualize the horse population in Houston by driving around the city, which has about as many people as Houston has horses. Mumble to self, “You’re a horse. And you’re a horse. And you. You’re [a donkey]. You’re a horse…”
- Pile thirty six blankets on the bed at night and sleep under them. It’s important to begin acclimating for the heat early.
- Simulate humidity by taking all clothes into the bathroom and taking a hot shower with the fan off. Practice dressing in the fogged-up, steamy bathroom.
- Store a bridle in the bathroom. Figure out how to keep it from growing mold what with all the hot, steamy showers going on.
- Set up a lawn chair in the snow on the front yard. Spend time every day laying out on the chair and building
- Buy packages of plastic bugs and ask roommate to hide them creatively throughout the house. Periodically find one in an unexpected place. Continue the hiding/finding procedure until the initial bloodcurdling scream becomes a yelp and eventually a whimper. Note to self: adopt a cat who will kill the bugs instead of racing across the room and climbing up the highest piece of furniture to get away form them.
- Approximate the transition from air conditioning to the hot outdoors by standing outside in the snow and then running inside and standing by the fire.
- Spend as much time driving around town during and after a snowfall as possible. It is not possible to prepare for Houston’s traffic, but the general stupidity of even resident northerners during a snowstorm is probably close to the general stupidity of rush hour traffic in a large city.
- If any of the other riders’ horses get hot and sweaty during the lesson, offer to untack and put the horse away for them. Might as well get used to cooling out the horses now…
- Buy a bikini and hang it on the wall, like in that yogurt commercial. Throw darts at it because, really, how useless is a bikini? You can’t do serious swimming in a bikini.
A couple months of this, and I’ll be all set for Houston. Or the loony bin.
I’m sitting in front of a dying fire (it was roaring twenty minutes ago), watching some M*A*S*H DVDs and enjoying the thought of all the SUVs and trucks I saw in the ditches today. Well, not that peoples’ cars got ditched, just the irony that it was all SUVs and trucks and not a single two-wheel-drive car.
That’s right: we’ve had our first real snow. Inches and inches of it. Well, two inches for sure. Maybe three. It will please all you more temperate climate people to know that even in the frozen north we forget how to drive on snow and ice until about midway through the first major snowfall, which is about the time we’re doing 360’s on the road and regretting not putting on the studded tires yet.
Meanwhile, on M*A*S*H, the characters are all doing their darndest to convince me they’re freezing while snow is falling. Ha! If snow is falling, it’s not that cold. When it’s that cold, it’s too cold to snow. I know these things, you see. I wish I didn’t, but I do.
Fortunately for me, last night I was at a fundraiser. I didn’t win any of the silent or live auction things I wanted, and I also didn’t win the very, very, very nice reversible leather/fur coat. I did, however, win a cribbage board and dominoes set, plus a fleece jacket. I’m all set for the winter—stuff to do indoors, of things to keep me warm outdoors.
Of course, this means the holidays are nearly upon us. I view holidays roughly the way a scarecrow would have viewed the oncoming barbarians and their torches, but my brother has done his best to shock me out of my malaise by inviting the family to his girlfriend’s parent’s house for Thanksgiving. Veddy Intervestink. Will there be a ring for Christmas? Has my cynical attitude rubbed off on him enough that he will wait for a non-holiday moment to propose? Or, horrors, will he wait for Valentine’s Day? Yikes. Christmas would be better than that. At least it’s something more interesting to look forward to than jingly-jangly commercials.
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