I think some of you have never lived in dorms before. Or houses with other people in them, for that matter. Ever. So here are some tips for you:
- Answer the phone and the door. Neither one of them is for me, because I’m anti-social and have no friends. The fact that the phone and the intercom are near my room does not make it my responsibility to answer them. If you are expecting a call or a friend to come over, and then the phone rings/door buzzes, it is probably your friend. Deal with it! I am not your butler.
- Tell your friends to go easy on the buzzer. Specifically: tell them to take their damn finger off it. We know they’re the friends of [someone in particular] and we have stopped answering the door for you because we are sick of the way you never, ever answer the door for anyone. And, also, we think your friends are rude for ringing the buzzer continuously for five minutes; we don’t want to let them in. You do it. Or at least tell them to ring the door like normal people, and then we wouldn’t know it was them and might let them in after all.
- If you make tea, the teaspoons you use are your dirty dishes. Wash them. They are not the responsibility of whoever comes along later.
- I cook dinner at 3 a.m. It’s what I do. Just because you cook dinner at 7 p.m. doesn’t mean you should get a clean kitchen while I should have to clean up all your dirty counters before I can cook my dinner. Clean the counters off.
- If I had to spend twenty minutes cleaning the kitchen before I could use it, and then I happen to leave a frying pan soaking on the stove until the next morning, don’t bitch about it. I’m the only one that uses that frying pan. I leave the counters clean, the sink unclogged, and the table crumbless. I wipe out the microwave. The pan will be cleaned when I get up around noon. This is more than can be said for your teaspoons.
- Stop eating my eggs. One day I am going to figure out how to hard boil them in a microwave, and then my pot-less cooking techniques will be golden. Until then, I’m enjoying my scrambled eggs. Or I was, until you started stealing them.
- No, I did not know that your hamper in the laundry room was “saving your place.” Your hamper was tucked in a corner and hidden behind a draped sheet. For all I knew, it was empty and just waiting to be filled up with dry clothes. I wasn’t going to open it to find out. If you’re trying to claim the washing machine, put the hamper in front of it. I’ll respect that.
- I do not have my eye glued to the peephole of my door. I have no idea how many times you climbed up the stairs trying to see if the washing machine was empty. Leave a note, saying you’d like it next. Leave your hamper there. Don’t give me dirty looks if I happen to beat you to it when it does finally open up. I didn’t even you wanted it.
- I do not run the washing machine at 2 a.m., even though I’m awake and that’s when I tend to think about laundry. I don’t vacuum at 2 a.m., either. So if you could not run the washing machine or vacuum at 6 a.m., I’d really appreciate it.
That is all.
I mean it about my eggs.
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