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Politically Incorrect
We are supposed to say “A good horse is any color, and differences within a breed are greater than the differences between breeds, so the breed of a horse is less important than the individual horse’s ability.”
In the abstract, sure. In reality? As I’m window shopping? I confess to a multitude of politically-incorrect opinions:
Feathers on a horse do not make my heart go pitter-patter, unless you count the flutter of anxiety as I think about mud and burrs and scratches. Should I be so unlucky as to buy a be-feathered horse, my very next purchase will be a set of clippers and the horse will quickly be de-feathered, breed standards not withstanding.
Gray horses take my breath away. I look at them and think “I never, ever want to own a gray horse,” and then I realize that sort of thinking is only tempting fate. I feel like someone has sucker-punched me in the stomach, and I know, I just know, that when I go shopping the Most Perfect Horse Ever is going to be gray, and reason is going to win over aesthetics, and I am going to end up owning a gray horse. With feathers. *sob*
It takes some serious girding of the loins before I can open any Friesian-related ad. It’s not that I dislike the breed—I’m not partial to them, but some of the crosses are ok—it’s the purple prose that tends to creep into the descriptions. It’s so… magical. Mystical. Fantastical. Fantastically absurd. It makes my eyes bleed. It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard. It hurts my teeth. It’s almost enough to make me want to look at more ads for gray horses.
Almost.
Gypsey Vanners make me laugh. Sorry, but they do. (The purple prose doesn’t bother me here, because the entire breed is purple prose. It’s so absurd it’s actually funny.)
I’ve stopped looking at paint/pinto-colored horse ads. In the abstract, I am sure there are some nice paint/pinto-colored horses out there, but for some reason every ad I open seems to show the same upright shoulder, straight backend, and limited shoulder reach (assuming there is a trot picture). It’s depressing, and the mares are all in foal. Why?
If the horse is a chestnut thoroughbred mare, she could be 30 years old, toothless, and hopping around on three legs and I will still think she’s perfect.
People who put up ads for well bred, nicely balanced warmblood yearlings and then price them reasonably are evil. I do not need a yearling! Do not make them look like a viable option!
People who put up ads for ugly, butt-high, yak-haired yearlings are my saviors, because they bring me back to reality and remind me that yearlings are walking vet bills with suicide pacts. I do not need a yearling!
Not all ponies are cute. In fact, the cuteness of any given pony can be mathematically defined as an inverse relationship to the ad’s emphasis on said cuteness.
“Two for One” packages = I thought your mare was nice, and I was really interested in her, but now I’m not.
“Three for One” packages = You couldn’t sell the mare on her own, and you couldn’t sell the foal on its own, so clearly the best thing to do is breed the mare again for a third unsellable horse. Brilliant!
I will look at an ad for a lanky bay gelding no matter what obvious faults he has or how unsuitable he is by his description.
While I respect your right to sell your ginormous draft as a dressage prospect, you cannot convince me that he is my dressage prospect.
So… at this point I think I’ve basically dared fate to send a pinto-turning-gray Friesian mare in foal with feathers on her legs to me next spring. Sweet. Even I can appreciate a joke.
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