I Spy, with My Right Eye

31 May 2010 3 Comments

I’m window shopping again.

Tonight’s theme: I Spy, with my Right Eye, Something That Begins with WTF.

Thanks to ill-conceived photos, awkward lighting, bad angles, unfortunate growth stages, and other factors that can screw up photos of otherwise nice horses, I have seen ads today apparently trying to sell the following:

• A giant, wooly-mammoth of a ski slope hind end stitched to a dainty, fully clipped miniature horse head and neck. Think Frankenstein creation. On a bad day.
• A horse jumping in such bad form that it would lose a hunter class to a deer on crack. It took me five minutes to realize the horse wasn’t even jumping—it’s just an insanely bad camera angle coupled with indifferent lighting.
• A blue, horse-shaped tarp.
• A horse with pasterns that would give M. C. Escher wet dreams.
• A living balance beam suitable for use in training the next U. S. Olympic Gymnastics team. At least, I assume that’s what the photo of people cartwheeling off the horse’s back is supposed to imply.
• A buy-one-get-twenty-pounds-of-mud-free special.
• Some fat, fuzzy ponies so adorable I almost want a kid. If you’re keeping track of the WTF moments, it’s in the last half of that sentence.
• A plethora of self-propelled lawn mowers.
• Some random body parts, including a bunch of noses, massive eyes, and over-muscled butts.
• Horses who have mastered the art of standing around.
• Horses who have mastered the art of growing hair.
• Yaks.
• Mob Bosses. Donkeys with attitude. I mean, more attitude than normal. I haven’t been this scared by a photo since the last time I saw a still shot of Paula Abdul.
• A draft cross teaching her owner to join up. Ok, it was video, not a photo. But the horse had obviously figured out that it could stop every six steps and the owner would let it come into the center for pets and scratches to “join up.” No work + attention? The winner in that situation is not walking on two legs.
• Several three-legged horses.
• A horse holding up a trailer with his head. I’d be afraid to buy him: what will happen to the trailer then?
• A Shire front end and a pony-looking hind end. This is why friends don’t let friends breed disparate types.
• A horse with a straight line from throat latch to toe.
• Pieces of paper. Presumably these are registration papers, but I hadn’t realized we’d reached the point where pedigree entirely trumps the horse itself, so that sellers don’t even need to show the horse anymore.
• A camel. Sorry, I mean a roach-backed palomino. That’s been sold. I am in awe—I’m not sure if it’s of the seller’s marketing prowess or the buyer’s stupidity.
• Little blotches of color> Listen, if you have to draw a circle and arrow on the photo so the buyer knows where the horse is? You might want to rethink your choice of photo.
• God. Oh, sorry, that’s just backlighting making that halo effect. According to the fine print, divinity is not included.
• A horse with no knees. Apparently he uses telekinesis to move his feet.

Horses and Riding, Generally Horse Related

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