Ok, Ladies, This One’s For You
A discussion in progress (of which I am a witness only):
Person A: Sometimes I feel pressure to do X, and it can get overwhelming. Does anyone else go through this sort of thing / what do you feel pressured to do?
Persons B through Q: Yes: This, and This, and This, and I agree with what D said, and for me it’s like This, and That Other Thing, and This, and I think I feel This because of This…
Person R: Look, I think the issue here is not so much social pressure as it is the way you react to it. Plenty of people are able to cope just fine with it, and I don’t think a discussion like this is the way to go about resolving your issues. Intellectually understanding what you feel (which is where this discussion is leading) is not going to automatically make you feel better. If the issue is as traumatic as it seems, professional help is probably the best option.
One caveat to add: Person R’s point is not that everyone involved in the discussion needs to see a therapist. It’s that therapists are qualified to deal with these sorts of issues and can give people not only an intellectual understanding of what is happening but also the tools they need to change that. Whereas a discussion between friends may lead to an intellectual understanding but knowing why a person feels the way they do may not be enough for them to change the underlying cause.
I find it interesting because my reaction is split:
On an individual basis, I agree: there’s a danger that people will attempt to “cure” themselves by hashing over their problems with a group of friends when what they really need is qualified, professional care. If Person W feels so much pressure to do X in their life that it is affecting the quality of their life, an intellectual discussion on where the pressure comes from and whether or not it is shared by other people is not going to help them (in all likelihood) deal with that pressure in their day-to-day life. On the other hand, most people feel the pressure to do X in their day-to-day life and find ways of coping with it and are, pressured or not, healthy and stable people. It does no harm at all and, I think, can be quite liberating, to stop once in a while and acknowledge the pressure exists. To hear someone else admit they feel that pressure as well is a good thing: the pressure is not imaginary, or in one’s own head, and other people are coping with it as well—so on those off days where it suddenly seems too much, communal support can be just the thing to make it through the rough patch.
If I went running off to a therapist every time I felt like people were pressuring me to do to many things, I wouldn’t have time to do anything, including make the money I’d need to finance the therapist.
I find two things particularly intriguing about the discussion, and then I’m leaving this open-ended. No questions, just an invitation to y’all to respond in whatever way you like (if you like).
First, the discussion is split gender-wise, with Peoples A-Q being predominately female (as much as one can tell online) and People R being male, with at least one other male supporting his position.
Second, Person R seems to see the discussion as an attempt to “fix” the issues people are raising, while I felt they weren’t so interested in solving everything as acknowledging it exists. The next step, of course, would be to take some sort of action, and some of Persons A-Q have suggested various resources (and Person R’s comment about therapists/doctors being a valid and for some people necessary option is, I think, as appropriate as any other resource).
I guess I have a question after all:
I don’t see this type of discussion as an attempt to fix the issue; I see it as a way to determine whether 1) the issue is common; 2) what options others have tried; 3) how successful they’ve been; and 4) how much of an issue it seems to be with others. It’s information gathering, with a side of social support. If it’s not a major issue (e.g. “I feel all this pressure to wear make up so that I can be ‘beautiful’, social support may in fact be the fix: ‘No, you’re beautiful just the way you are.’”). But if it is a major issue, the information gathering would be ground work to help determine the next step, whatever that step might be. Person R’s response, however, makes me think he believes the discussion is an attempt in and of itself to solve the issue(s), whatever they are.
So, I’m just curious, since we’ve all had these discussions before: When we start a discussion like, “Sometimes I feel all this pressure to get married, like I can’t be a complete woman if I’m single and baby-less” (or, equally valid, “Sometimes I feel all this pressure to stay single, like who I am as a woman and my achievements are somehow less valid if I get married,” or, again, “I’m supposed to be this strong, independent woman able to manage both a career and family perfectly, and sometimes that’s just too much.”)—what are we hoping that discussion will accomplish?