You Called Me
[ring]
Computer Voice: This is not a solicitation. Please press ‘1’ to talk to an agent.
[1]
Bored Human Voice: Hello?
Me: Hello.
Bored Human Voice [slightly impatient]: What do you need?
Me: I don’t know. You called me.
Bored Human Voice: Right. I need your phone number.
Me: Why? You just dialed it to call me.
Bored Human Voice: It’s an automatic dialer. I need your phone number.
Me: [Long Pause]
Bored Human Voice [Definitely Irritated]: It’s a simple question.
Me: Yes… but… You know… actually… who are you?
Bored Human Voice: Steve.
Me: I mean what company are you with?
Steve: XXX Incorporated.
Me: Really? Prove it.
Steve: What?
Me: I just got cold-called by a company that wouldn’t identify itself until I asked… twice… and I’m disinclined to give out any personal information until I know you are who you say you are.
Steve: It’s a phone number, not a social security number.
Me: Do you know what a clever scammer can do with a phone number?
Steve: No.
Me: Me neither.
Steve: We can’t do anything unless you help us out.
Me: Ok. What number are you calling from?
Steve: XXX-XXX-XXXX.
Me: That’s not the number I have for XXX Incorporated.
Steve: Probably because your file got moved from department X to Y [basically, from “follow up on this” to “this customer is a royal pain in the ass”]
Me: Sure.
Steve: I suppose it won’t do any good to ask for your social security number?
Me: Are you kidding? I hang up on people who ask for my social.
Steve: I’m not surprised.
Me: Look, what do you want? I have things to do today.
Steve: Without looking at your file, I couldn’t say.
Me: So look at my file.
Steve: I don’t know who you are.
Me: But you called me.
Steve: But it’s this auto-dialer system.
Me: Pretty stupid system, isn’t it?
Steve: Not most days.
Me: Why don’t you call me back directly when you figure out who I am and what you want from me?
Steve: And if we called you directly would you work with us?
Me: If you could verify that you are who you are and have a legitimate reason for dealing with me.
Steve: We need to get this dealt with…
Me: Actually, if you are who you say you are, you don’t have to do anything for thirty days while I’m disputing the bill. I don’t have to pay you, and you don’t have to harass me like this.
Steve: I’m not harassing you.
Me: XXX Incorporated is, and you say you’re with them.
Steve: What’s it going to take to get this dealt with?
Me: Look, Steve…
Steve [sounding hopeful]: Yes?
Me: Tell you what. I’ll call the number I have for XXX Incorporated, and whoever comes on the line can tell me whatever it is you want to talk to me about, not that you know.
Steve: But the number you have is the wrong department.
Me: I’m sure they’ll transfer me.
Steve: Right back to me!
Me: Ok, well, when I talk to you in five minutes then, you’ll have my sincere apology for doubting your legitimacy.
Steve: Why are you being difficult?
Me: Because it’s 7:30 a.m., because the bill you are probably calling me about is in dispute with the company who originally issued it, and because your company is going to call again in two hours… and four… and six… and every time you’re going to expect me to fill in all the details and spout my personal information out to anyone who asks.
Steve: This is the way our system works!
Me: And this is how my system works:
[click]