In seven hours

1 Sep 2005 0 comments

In seven hours I will be in my car on the way to State Fair, dressed in my ever-stylish ensemble of jeans, dirty tennis shoes, and raggedy old sweater. My rain jacket is waiting in the closet. It will rain. It always rains at State Fair.

I will wander into the barn area and say hello to the horses, probably annoying anyone who is actually showing because most general Fair visitors are idiots. I still remember the year a dad carried his perhaps-six-year-old daughter up to the stall row and told her she could pet the horses, despite the signs saying not to do that. Exasperated, she tossed her pigtails and wailed “Daddy! Can’t you read? They bite!”

If only all parents had the sense their children do. The kid’s comment was helped, I’m sure, by the fact that the horse the father was heading towards had his ears pinned back and eyes rolling because he was not, to put it lightly, a people horse. I steered them toward my older, gentler, greatly-missed Saint. And minutes later had to jump in front of a well-meaning parent who was about to feed my horse an apple. A normal activity, I know, but apple seeds can show up on a drug test as a banned drug. Weird, huh? How do you tell a five year old that they cannot, in fact, feed the horse an apple?

And by the fourth day of the show and six hundred kids later, how do you do so politely? You don’t, of course. You hope you’re stabled next to the cranky horse with his ears pinned back and his eyes rolling so everyone will gravitate down the stall row to the Saint.

Unless, of course, you own the Saint.

So I will show up this year not with an apple in hand but with an old, raggedy towel. I will scrape boots and polish hooves and set up the jumps they knock down in the warm-up ring. I will walk horses between classes. I will write names on ribbons when classes are done and I will hold martingales when riders finish their jumping rounds and head back for the flat class.

And if I am lucky I will see a class or two as well.

Sometime this weekend I’ll return to the Fair, but I won’t return to the horse show. I’ll slip by unannounced and make my way into the fairgrounds proper, something I haven’t done for eight years. I will find the funnel cakes I barely remember and peek in at the giant pumpkins and lettuce heads.

But before I enjoy the Fair everyone else knows, I am going to enjoy the Fair I know. I am prepared: I have my bag with clean shoes and socks for the ride home (the ones I wear in the morning will be soaked). I have my bug dope and my lotion. I have a towel and some gloves. I’ve found shirts to layer on each other and a hat to conceal my raggedy hair.

Seven hours. All I need is some sleep.

Filed: Personal Favorites, Horses I Have Known, Super Saint 0 comments

Terminology in Horse Sales Ads

26 Apr 2005 0 comments

Fancy mover
Has a lot of chrome or lacks any chrome. You’ll be so amazed at how pretty he is, you won’t notice he paddles.
Lots of chrome!
White strip around coronet band. Made you look!
“Bred to jump/do dressage/etc.”
Lacks competitiveness, but looks good on paper.
Will take you to the top.
Of your local barn show.
Lightly started under saddle. Can go any direction. Will excell in everything.
No idea what this horse is good for.
Amazing horse! Your dream horse! Must sell as I have too many other horses and not enough time to develop this one’s potential.
The worst in the barn, has about half as much training as he should.
Perfect junior/amateur owner horse!
Can jump 3’6” without a problem. A few bad habits. You have a trainer, right?
Gorgeous paint!/Color like you wouldn’t believe!
One spot of white somewhere on the belly. We’ve added $5,000 to the price.
Champion!
Six years ago, at a local show.
Loss of job/spouse/family’s oil fortune forces sale. Would not sell otherwise!
I will call you every day for updates and ask to tuck him in at night.
Great family horse! Bombproof! Our thirteen year-old rides him everywhere!
Our thirteen year-old has been taking lessons since age two.
Knows his job and loves to work.
As long as his job description is “eat more hay.”
Proven lesson horse! Will teach you everything!
Too old for our program, and can only jump cross-rails.
No vices! Cross-ties, loads, great for farrier!
After sedation.
Great 4-H project!
A couple minor schooling issues, but your group leader can help you sort it out.
This year’s champion in six thousand classes, with a billion points in everything. He can be your next star!
I just bought a horse that can kick this one’s ass. See you in the show ring!
Price reduced!
Turns out no one wants to pay an extra $3000 for a white spot on the belly.
Price will increase with training.
You better believe I’m keeping track of every penny spent.
Will sell to good family only. Prefer show family.
Tacked an extra $1500 to price because I mentioned the word ‘show’. Will do a more thorough credit check on you than more government agencies. Will require a 10-page contract with buy-back options. His show name must include my/my stallion’s/my barn’s name in it.

Filed: General Topics, Probably Horse Related, The Wide, Weird Web 0 comments

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